If You Are With Me

I’ve wanted to write books since early childhood. Around 10 or 11 years old I wrote 60 pages of epic adventure story, complete with a world you got to through a magic portal, and lots of swords and fighting. I remember having special fun trying to imitate a Cockney accent for some characters, like in books I was reading,

I made it 2 or 3 chapters in. In the end, I started to lose interest in my own story. I remember trying to make each line of text on some of the last pages end at the same column, perfectly aligned on the right margin. I was banging my book out in DOS on an old word processing program. The ASCII characters on the screen all had the same width, so they worked pretty well to line up!

The plot suffered as a result, but I kept that perfect alignment going for something like 10 pages. Summers were long and lazy in early 1990s Michigan. Especially with no TV and no internet.

Then I lost interest. In the end, I remember printing out all 60 pages on our dot-matrix printer (“GwaAAAaak, GwaAAAaak, GwaAAAAaak”). I didn’t want to risk losing the masterpiece if our computer happened to crash. I don’t think my parents ever found out I used that much paper & ink.😊

And I don’t think anyone ever read the story again, either.

The neat stack of printer papers, joined together, sat for a long time in a box in my room. The tearaway strips at the edges, with their neat little serrated holes, finally started falling off in reams. I don’t remember when I threw it out, but by then the computer I’d written it on was already long gone.

I have an urge to write. I love a good story. I love words well chosen, that evoke the imagination, stir the soul, provoke the mind. I want to stir people to life.

When Is it Time?

That was 30 years ago. I’ve worked several jobs where I wrote professionally. I’ve written many journal entries and some poems. I’ve enjoyed microblogging on Instagram for a few years.

But no book yet.

It isn’t because I haven’t wanted to. Since about 10 years ago, I have had a book gnawing to get out of me. I jot notes on my phone, collect them into Word documents, outline book chapters and try out different titles. Occasionally I show the idea to friends, or add another quote I could possibly use to an already too-long Word file.

I’ve woven the themes of the book, about gospel and faith in real life, into sermons, conversations, counseling, family devotions. But I’ve felt I’m still lacking a key permission to actually go for it in writing. It’s never the right time. Other needs always come first. There are so many things clamoring for attention.

One thing I have found out is that I can’t write if I feel guilty about it. If I feel like I’m avoiding my duty – my family’s needs, care of the home, ministry calling and opportunities. If I feel like it’s an escape.

In the mid 2000s, living and teaching in China, I was in a struggle for my soul. Lust, pride, and doubts were choking me. One of the songs I listened to on repeat then still moves me deeply today - “I Don’t Want to Go” by Avalon.

I knew it instinctively, at the core of my being – that “me” without God was not life at all. That it was a lie. I must follow. I must be with him. I can’t be a million miles from home.

But I still had not learned how to stop willfully wandering. And I believed then that my sin put a barrier between me and God – that he really was not close in those moments. I wanted to be close. I yearned to be home with him, to stay home with him.

Jumping In At Last?

I’m at a pretty low point physically right now. I’ve been running on adrenaline too long, gut health issues have snowballed, I’m 20 pounds underweight. We have run so hard the last 9 years. God has provided for a partial health sabbatical, in place in our home. I am still working in my role with Simeon Trust, but at a reduced rate, while getting medical care that has helped in the past.

But I can’t just STOP doing things. This seems like an opportunity at last to start writing more. To have a creative outlet that is relatively restful. By now my one book idea has grown into 8-10. But they have to be written one at a time. I’m ready to jump in, and yet, there is still so much in life. Writing for me takes deep, uninterrupted creative time. Can I really do this?

Today was an exhausting day. I was in contact with 40-50 people – through emails, texting, in a Zoom meeting with local pastors. Some of the conversations were difficult. Days like these tax me, especially in my current burned out state.

I sat down write at 9:30pm, after the kids went down. But the familiar feelings came back: “Can I really do this, when there are so many other needs in the world?” I had a good talk with my wife about it. She’s good to talk to.

Afterward, worshipping and praying alone, it hit me - what I need to know in order to write.  I need to know God is with me.

I must know that this is obedience to him, not the attempt to build an identity or meaning apart from him. I don’t want to go somewhere if I know that he’s not there. Being apart from him is a lie – no matter if it’s pursuing a lifelong dream. No matter if it’s motivated by wanting to bless and help others in his name. I won’t go there by myself.

But if you are with me, Lord, I will go. I will go with joy. I will keep my eyes on you for guidance, but I will also push hard. I will accept the gift of my wife letting me work late. I will be sensitive to providence, and seek wisdom, but I want to write with a clear conscience, without apologies.

Lord, please accept this offering to you. I want people to know you. I want to steward what you’ve put in my heart, and cultivated in my mind and dreams. If I have you, it is enough. That is all I really want. But I want to push hard enough too, to see what you will do. How you might use the ways you’ve ministered to me, to help others too.

Guide my steps. Guard my heart. Direct my hands. Speak your voice in me. Make me more like Jesus. In his name, amen.

"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple."

— Psalm 27:4 ESV

Lead photo by Federica Galli on Unsplash.

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